Posts tagged relationships

to be the girl that people automatically don’t like. To have my intentions constantly misconstrued. For almost every word that leaves my mouth to be held against me. 

I’m surrounded by people that assume the worst of me.  
But I love them anyway.
Because they’re what I have.
And all I need.
And even if I’m just watching from the side lines most times — they make me happy.
And sometimes happy hurts.  

I have never been able to say “guys don’t like me,” “nobody wants to date me,” “I’ll never get a boyfriend,” etc. I’m not being full of myself, it is just the truth. Since puberty, I’ve almost always been wanted and perused by someone. And for some reason, people have fallen hard and I’ve broken a lot of hearts. I’ve been loved to extremes.

And today it hit me —

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Justin asked me to be his girlfriend ^.^ pretty stoked! 

Out of curiosity, I went to Justin’s Facebook to see what his relationship status was, (single or just not listed) and it was single. I didn’t take it personally because I know he doesn’t think about things like that, and he hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend, so we aren’t “in a relationship”.. but I didn’t like the idea of it saying single, when we’ve been together for a few months now. Mine is just not listed. (it always has been, but still) So I kindly asked him if he could take that off. Not say he was in a relationship, but just have it not listed.. And a few minutes later, it said he was in a relationship. But he hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend, and that matters to me…I know it’s a little petty, but I want to ask or be asked to officially be with someone. So I asked him to take that off too.. I really didn’t want people saying to me “Finally!” and things like that, then me having to explain that it was a miscommunication. Then he took that off his wall and now nothing is listed. I can just imagine how much that frustrated him and how he was thinking “It’s really not a big deal!” as he did it, and now I just feel bad. I know it was a simple, reasonable request.. I just feel like I ask too much of him. And I only feel that way because of how he reacts to things like that.
Since my last official relationship, I have casually been with people that didn’t treat me how I deserved. I did it to myself, but I think it really messed me up.. With that one person I’ve mentioned before, the one that tore me apart.. He got me used to being second best and being on his watch. It became my norm and now I’m having a hard time shaking that placement. I’m in such a tough spot and it’s all my doing.

Thoughts and advice? :/

when you know you aren’t getting half of what you deserve,
but there’s really not a damn thing you can do about it.

like there’s not much I don’t like about myself, but there is.
Sometimes, I can be really petty,
And I mess good things up that way.
I just break myself down over the littlest thing. Not all the time, but.. it happens.
And I really don’t like it.
And I wish I would stop.

He doesn’t deserve that.

“I really, really like you like a lot.” text.